(Disclaimer: This is not our actual hamster. I swiped this photo off of the Internet. No, we are not planning on eating our hamsters!)The guilt got the best of me. The guilt has been overwhelming. For over a month, during these intense treatments, I have probably spent nearly 75% of my time in bed. My body feels broken. I feel worthless. I think the most difficult thing has been the inability for me to carry on the roles that have made up my life for so many years. I have tried to be a good wife, a good mom, a good employee...now I feel good for, well, not much. The kicker happened last week during one of my high fevers. I was laying in bed, sleeping in fits and starts, when my kids got home from school. My daughter decided to craw into bed with me and watch TV. She stayed with me for hours. Every time I gained a bit of consciousness I found my dear little girl holding my hand, rubbing it ever so gently. So sweet...yet so wrong. It's just not supposed to work that way.
I know this will pass. At least I hope this will pass. Sometimes thoughts about possibly getting to the point where I can't maintain the life I built for myself creep in. I am just telling myself over and over that these treatments are going to make me even better able to fulfill all of my roles in life for a longer period of time. It's just going to take time. No pain, no gain...right? Hopefully, they will give me more energy when all is said and done.
This brings us back to the silly little hamsters. I mustered enough energy on Sunday afternoon to get the kids out for a couple hours. We went to Panera, which is right across from the pet store. My kids have been begging for a pet forever. The answer has always been, "We don't need another thing to take care of...we can barely take care of ourselves". The kids wanted to go to the pet store and I agreed that we could look, but that we were NOT buying anything. We walked out with two tiny little hamsters and all of the fixin's that we needed to give them a cozy little home with us. My heart just hurts for these kids right now. They seem to be doing great. Both are cruising along in school and are not having behavior issues that we have noticed. Yet, I still feel guilty that I can't be the mom they deserve right now. Hence, I bought them hamsters.
In working with kids with parents with cancer in the past, I know that having these kids work with animals is a great way for them to learn about caring for the sick loved one. Maybe they will learn a couple lessons from little "Lilly" and "Casey"? I just hope my little guy doesn't squeeze his too tight! We'll see...
7 comments:
Please tell me you bought the balls that they run around the house in? :-)
You are a great mom and your kids know that. You need to know it too.
Peaceful things.
Well...at least you didn't get them a puppy! Hamsters are manageable.
Mommy guilt is a powerful thing even when you are not sick. Try to be gentle and kind with yourself, just like your daughter was with you. You also know from work how resilient kids are. They will get through this and so will you. I KNOW it! : )
(((hugs)))
That is some ride you're on with those antibiotics. Sounds like you've done a good job raising your kids to be strong and handle life's challenges. I hope things start to go smoother and you feel better.
I love this story. I've been lurking for awhile. Sometimes us mums just have to give into the guilt. Everybody feels a bit better. The image of your daughter caring for you is one of strength and a sign you've raised a wonderful girl.
Jane
Thanks, All, for the votes of confidence! Jane, you are never a lurker, but instead a welcome guest. Most people comment on my Facebook blog link, so I always get excited to see comments here :-) I especially get excited to see you call me a Mum! You must be one of my UK followers!
I'm a Canadian with an English mother. Although, most other mothers here call themselves Mum even if they spell it Mom. Mostly what I hear is "MUUUUUMMMEEEEY"
Let go of feeling so guilty about not giving your kids adequate 'parenting time' while you are sick, because you are instead giving them these valuable things:
1) a role model for how to handle adversity
2) a role model for how to be open with difficult emotions
3) a safe place to cuddle (in bed with mommy!)
4) a sense of inner strength and resilience, that all things can be overcome (or at least most things)
My daughter is learning these lessons, and I see her strength compared to that of her peers, who have not had to go through any hardships in life (not yet, anyway).
Laura in California (46 yrs old w/ CF)
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